From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
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My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
When ur friends with white people