How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
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People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Ladies, why y’all do this?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me