I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
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I’ve got 99 problems…
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98 problems.
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97 problems.
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96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
“OMGJK” -atheists
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.