5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I’m Sold!
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today