I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Bike for sale
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
happy valentine’s day to me
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.