DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
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You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.