The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
You Might Also Like
Plant care tips
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.