People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Terribly Tuesday.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.