Bro what is this
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New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”