Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
i want to work in this restaurant