I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
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guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
there’s probably a fee though
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
who wore it better?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power