So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
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“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Guys, I found it.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before