I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Always 🥴
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.