“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
You Might Also Like
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull