[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.