You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
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When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
S M O L
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose