I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
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[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.