I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
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in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.