My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
first you must answer his riddles
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again