MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself