I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
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I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader