7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
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HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
🤣😂
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My blood type is coffee.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.