Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
christening a ship with an overripe banana
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.