If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
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Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
had to make it
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.