Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
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So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.