Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
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If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I only eat vegetarians.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.