[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
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If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.