Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.