Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
No, I don’t think I will.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book