how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.