*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
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*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
no such thing as a dumb question
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes