[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
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just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
#Caturday
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
23. the denim jacket
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.