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If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”