me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
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CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar