My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
selfie game
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.