You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
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MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things