Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
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the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
this is the best interaction on twitter
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”