ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
You Might Also Like
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
smh
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts