“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
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Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
next level snooze
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.