About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
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A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Trying
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
#CoronaOutbreak
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.