If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
You Might Also Like
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.