DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
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me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it