still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
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What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.