still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
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Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.