My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
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“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?