The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
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Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks