“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
You Might Also Like
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”