The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
He took my last fry, your honor
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.