if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.