I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Yes, but it was never about money
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since